A Little ♥ and Soul

Dear Momma, How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near. In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here. It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cance...

So I just wrote another blog post over here.  I've actually been posting there a little more there than I do here. Obviously. I like the layout I have there. And so far it has been anonymous. I don't know why I even started to write there other than I liked the layouts that were available. I was working graveyard shifts at the time and I guess I was bored enough to start a new blog where I knew I could keep it a little private.  But now that you know...I guess I can't do that anymore. Not that I have a huge audience here on dear ol' Blogger anyway. I don't know many people who even read blogs anymore. It's all about YouTube and Instagram and TikTok.  Whatever.  Anyway, go wander on over there. I don't feel like rehashing...or cutting and pasting...my WordPress blog over here. It's late. I have to work in the morning. And it has been a long day. But I got to see Greg. You'll have to go over there for more titillating reading about Greg.  Not that ther...

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt. Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess: When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fa...

Every year around this time I start getting this little ache inside my chest. It kind of feels like you're homesick for someone who isn't there. As my mom's birthday approaches I start feeling homesick for her. I wish I could say that living life without her gets easier but it doesn't; in all reality I've learned to live with the dull ache that comes in waves.  I would give anything to have her here again.  Missing my mom comes in waves.  And today I'm drowning.

I feel like a broken record here on dear ol' blog. I write about my mom. A lot. Today in the United States is Mother's Day. This is year 20 that I haven't had my mom here on earth to celebrate her. We got to celebrate her one last time before she died 53 days later. I take the time to remember her on her birth and death dates (coincidentally, my sister and mom share the same day of birth.) but Mother's Day is always hard for me. I kind of gloss over the day all together and now that I'm sitting in the dark without my mom I'm sad. This year on July 4th my mom will have been gone 20 years. She has been gone for more than half my life. I don't remember doing anything especially out of the ordinary for my mom on Mother's Day when I was younger. Looking back I wish I wasn't such a selfish kid or at least paid more attention to special days to celebrate my mom. A year or two before my mom died, she wrote me a letter for Valentines Day. I think she knew s...

So, turns out that I'm not so great at posting on here as I once was. I was even late to post my once yearly Dear Mom post. I really have no excuses other than I've been out of school for almost 3 weeks now since I started going full-time in January. I'm pretty sure the last time I posted anything was in October of last year. Anyway, let's play catch up! I started school full-time in January at BYU-Idaho's online program. I completed 28 credits this year. I'm ready for a break. The accreditation for the public health degree program changed but the changes only apply for the on-campus students and not the online students - aka me. So I'm going to have to transfer schools...again. I've been looking at grad programs in Portland, Oregon. Portland calls my name at least once a year, and I always research reasons to move back. The first time I moved there I was under prepared. I moved with the wrong person. When I move back, I'll be done with school...

Dear Mom, I don't have the words to adequately describe what I'm feeling. You've now been gone longer than half my life. I miss you every day. I think about you at least once every day. I think about you whenever I do anything creative and then it hurts a little bit. I have a lot of half done projects. I read some notes that people sent you while you were sick. It didn't surprise me how many people loved you and respected you. I even learned a little bit about your childhood from a letter that your cousin Abby sent. It made me a little sad because you deserved a better childhood than you had. You persevered though and made sure my childhood was better than then the one you lived through. I wish I could remember what your voice sounded like. Those were the first memories I lost: the sound of your voice. I remember the one time some lady pulled into a parking spot you were waiting for at the bank and you cursed at her. I laugh at the memory now, but at the time I was...

There's this road I like driving down at night mostly because at the starting point of the loop, it smells like pine trees and dirt. It reminds me of going to the mountains near where I grew up in California. Just up the road there are horse pastures, and when the wind is blowing the right direction, the pine trees and dirt scent mingles with a faint horse pasture scent. It reminds me of home. Especially during the summer evenings when the sun is going down the farmers have usually been watering their hay and alfalfa pastures and I love the scent of water, sun warmed pastures, pine trees, and dirt. I'm a sentimental person, obviously. I like driving this loop with the windows down and radio off while I think about life and make plans. Sometimes, I drive this loop just to smell the pine trees and dirt. I love when there isn't much of a moon out and it's a clear night when I drive this mountain road. When I'm closing the loop and making my way home - or sometimes g...

I don't usually publicly announce my religious affiliation on social media - or in real life - very often. I won't deny that I am LDS - or Mormon if I'm asked what church I go to or what religion I subscribe to. I'm one of those Mormon's who quietly live their religion. I may be Mormon, but I don't believe that every LGBTQ+ individual has a one way ticket to hell. There are people I love who are identify as something other than straight. I love them because they are my family, my people. I don't love them more or less because they are gay, lesbian, queer, or whatever. What they identify as doesn't matter to me. I also believe that medical marijuana is helpful in a lot of cases. Seizures. Cancer. Crohns. Glaucoma. Autism. Anyone with an end-stage, incurable, going to die anyway disease. Does that make me a bad Mormon? I don't think so. There are definitely people who are Mormon who are very strict and by the book in their observance of our shared f...

Ed Sheeran wrote the song about his grandmother who passed away while making his newest album. July is a hard month for me. My mom died July 4th. My dad got remarried a year later towards the end of July. Well, I guess the whole month isn't hard, but those two life changing events happened in July. Anyway, every time I listen to this song, I think of my mom. It makes me a little sad. Mostly because she's gone and all the memories I have of my mom are fading. There are tiny snippets of moments I shared with my mom that I hope will never fade. I probably should write them down in my journal... I look at the relationships my friends have with their mothers and I wonder what my relationship would be like with my mom if cancer didn't take her. If I wonder too much or too long, it hurts a little bit because I know it'll never come to fruition. I thank God, though, that my relationship with my mom ever existed at all and will continue after this life ends. And one of t...

It has been 18 years since you left this earth for a life without pain. A life without the hazy cloud of pain killers. A life where you are healthy. A life where cancer doesn't exist. I'm not going to lie; the past week has been hard. I've had a hard time trying to keep my emotions in check while at work. I had an assignment for my English class where we had to choose a personal experience that changed my life. You are part of my story and I cried at the memories that I had neatly stored away. I have these walls up to protect me from being hurt. There have been precious few people who have seen the walls completely down. I was ill equipped for life after you. Instead of asking for help, I built walls. Sometimes I wish I was more of a wear-your-emotions-on-your-sleeve kind of person, the kind of person who was a little less reserved. I don't wear my annoyance or are-you-kidding-me faces well...at all...like ever. You could always tell what I was feeling even though I ...

I had made a goal back in August to journal/blog more. Then school started. I took 5 credits and my classes were online so I thought I'd have ample time to devote to things that are important to me. Like leaving behind a written history of my time here on earth. Nope. Didn't happen. School completely and almost entirely consumed my time. For three and half months, I didn't really do anything. I mean, I did go to two baseball games with my friend Janae. I may have gone to a few movies with her, too. But really, since September, nearly all my time was spent on this damn laptop doing homework. There was SO much reading. I've been to college. I've had homework. Somehow, though, this was more than I've ever experienced in my college career. I'm happy that I get a break though and I'm looking forward to next semester, but I really hope that there isn't nearly as much reading.  Anyhow, I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska sitting in a hotel room while my fam...

I've been listening to Gretchen Rubin's podcast for the better part of the year. There was a little break mostly because my commute to work was cut down from an hour to 10 minutes. I swear I got more done during my waking hours when I was solely dependent on public transit than I do now with a vehicle at my disposal. I wonder why that is. Actually, I know why it is: I'm lazy and my job leaves me utterly drained - emotionally and physically - at the end of the day that the only thing that I want to do when I get home is get my socks and shoes off and not think. Anyway... Gretchen has written a book called "The Happiness Project". She took stock of her life and came to the conclusion that while she was happy with her life, she wasn't happy in the sense that she wasn't making conscience choices to do things that brought her happiness. She was simply floating through life making choices just because they were routine or they were kind of already halfway ma...

It has been 17 years since you've been gone. I think about you all the time. Especially when things are still and my mind has time to wander. I wonder what would be different if you were alive. I can't imagine anything really being the same if you were here to influence my decisions. Maybe I'd be a little more extroverted. Maybe I wouldn't crave alone time as much as I do. I am glad, though, that I like the quiet. I like the quiet because it gives me time to think about you. It gives me time to dream, time to think if I'm capable of achieving those dreams. Those dreams are often influenced by the thoughts I have of you. How much you'd love my happy place nestled in the mountains. How much you'd be happy that I finally know what I want to do with my life. My passion to help people, to help educate them about living a healthier life comes from you. I am me because of you. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure things out if you were here. Ma...

So much has been happening in the world the past two weeks. Especially in the United States. I'm not one for politics. I have my opinions, but everyone around me has these huge, big shout in your face opinions about politics and what's going on in the US that I really don't want to participate. All I really want to say is if you're one of those people that say "F*ck the police/military! They just want to kill innocent people." To you I say, it's because of them that you have the right to say that. Because of them and the laws of this country, you have the right to vote, state your opinions without the fear of being executed. Yes, there are a few individuals that get power hungry and take things too far, but it would unfair and unjust to lump all police/military into the same horrible group that you're putting them into. I could just as well lump you into the same horrible group that needlessly make things harder for them, who throw cement blocks on the...

Okay, I'm going to preface this blog with a little warning. I rarely talk about religion. I'll bring God up once in a while, but I don't really write about my faith and religion here. Today is different. Today I am writing about my God, my faith, and my religion. You've been warned....for lack of a better word. My dad came home from babysitting my nieces and nephew for a week and a half and needed a break. I was all too happy to oblige. I like sleeping in my bed and waking up when I want to. Anyway, a weekend at home meant that - after being in Ogden for almost three months now - I got to go to my actual ward. There are few things that I tell people about myself. If you don't ask, I don't tell. People NEVER ask about religion. Most people don't know I'm Mormon. I'm a Mormon. Like Gladys Knight and the Osmonds. If you don't know who those people are, do you live under a rock or were you born in the last 15 years? Anyway, I've been str...

My dad and I went on a drive tonight on our way home from dinner. We literally live at the mouth of Ogden Canyon. In the combined time that I've lived in Ogden, I have never been up the canyon. It proved to be a good experience. A small storm made its way up the narrow canyon and it smelled deliciously of rain and pavement. I love that combination. The whole drive made me miss Oregon and then I had this immediate love and appreciation for Utah mountains. Of all the places I've lived, Utah's mountain are unrivaled. They are my favorite. We drove through Huntsville and Eden. They're situated around Pineview Reservoir.  Maybe it's the INFJ in me that is attracted to podunk-y places like Huntsville and Eden (Go to the link. It'll seriously give you insight on my personality.). Maybe it's because both towns are right on the water. Either way, I love the tranquility that is literally right up the street from me. Part of me wants to move up there to get ...

I'm listening to a sad, melancholy song right now. The past month has been hard. I moved to Ogden with a few goals in mind: 1. Find a job because traveling 45 minutes by car and 1.5 HOURS by train is ridiculous and expensive. 2. Get out of debt. 3. Go back to school. In the past month, I've gone to at least 1 interview a week; usually more, and nothing has come to fruition. Looking for jobs and applying for them is one thing, but getting a call for an interview, and doing a really good job at being a good interviewee only to not get a phone call back with a job offer is totally soul crushing. I've applied to jobs that I am way overqualified for. I've applied for jobs that I have all the right qualifications for and am competing with several other applicants for 1 or 2 positions. I've applied for jobs that I'm only slightly under-qualified for and I still haven't heard from 2 of the 3 positions. I hate not having a job. I really do. The first day or two, a...

Friday was an epically hard day. It involved a client getting poop all over the bathroom wall. I guess I should preface that statement with: I work with adults with disabilities. Anyway, that whole episode includes explosive diarrhea. Ugh...just reliving that afternoon makes me mad. There was a string of expletives mumbled under my breathe. There was a 5 minute time out in my boss' office, for myself, of course. There was a very upset custodian who had to clean up the mess that said client left behind. Then there was food at a Mongolian grill that night (which really wasn't worth the $14). Overall, the whole day was kind of a dozy. Although, the donut gelato creations that my roommate and I got that night after dinner were pretty fantastic. Work has been getting emotionally harder as the weeks go by. I don't know if it's because the clients are getting more demanding or I just don't care anymore; either way, I generally don't look forward to going to work an...

Four more days; that's is all that is left of the year 2015. The date that Marty McFly and Doc went to in the future - October 21, 2015 - is now in the past. There are things that I didn't think would be done this year, but somehow, I made happen. Things like: exercising on a consistent basis and changing jobs when I thought I was sitting pretty comfortably for another two years.  (Google search) Exercise has become a integral part of my day. When I don't exercise, my body knows. When I do, though, I sleep better and I feel better about myself. Since moving in with Janae, I've been more mindful of what I put in my body and how much I exercise. She's a Beach Body coach, which means I have access to the 21 Day Fix workouts. Those are probably my favorite workouts. I took a few days off to battle a cold and when I started back with the upper fix, I strained my shoulder a bit. I tried playing doctor and self-diagnosed myself with a torn rotator cuff in my left ...