Skip to main content

Dear Mom

It has been 17 years since you've been gone. I think about you all the time. Especially when things are still and my mind has time to wander. I wonder what would be different if you were alive. I can't imagine anything really being the same if you were here to influence my decisions. Maybe I'd be a little more extroverted. Maybe I wouldn't crave alone time as much as I do.

I am glad, though, that I like the quiet. I like the quiet because it gives me time to think about you. It gives me time to dream, time to think if I'm capable of achieving those dreams. Those dreams are often influenced by the thoughts I have of you. How much you'd love my happy place nestled in the mountains. How much you'd be happy that I finally know what I want to do with my life. My passion to help people, to help educate them about living a healthier life comes from you. I am me because of you.

Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure things out if you were here. Maybe I wouldn't have taken so long to decide what to do with my life. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the long way 'round. There are so many different outcomes to life that would have been different if you were here. But if there is anything that I've learned in life it's that we have a choice in how things turn out.

I do know that you were the best mother for me. I firmly believe that. Even though life as I know it would be different if you were still here, I believe that you gave me what you could to either sink or swim. For the the majority of my adult life, I've felt like I've been sinking because you left me at such a crucial time in my life. A point where you would have taught me how to balance a checkbook, how to apply to schools, how to figure out what I want to do with my life, how to be an adult. I've had to figure things out on my own, for the most part, and it has been hard. It's taken me a long time to trust myself to know where to go, what to do.

In the end though, I am me because of you.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Okay to Be Sad

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt. Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess: When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mama

Dear Mom, You've been gone 12 years now and I miss you just as much as I did when you left this earth to live with our Heavenly Father. Life has been hard since you've been gone, but I'm sure you know. Yesterday, on your anniversary, I went to lunch with Felisa and visited Stephen and his wife, Shauna in Salt Lake. Who would have thought that almost all us adult siblings would live within an hour's drive of each other? In Utah, no less. We didn't really talk about you, but I'm sure that we were all thinking of you. My heart ached for you a little bit more. I thought of you on Sunday, since it was the day of the week that you passed away. During the Sacrament, I thought of you and everything you taught me about the Gospel, about Jesus, about facing your fears, about forgiveness. When it came to the bearing of testimonies, I was already crying. Half due to allergies and half due to thinking of you and missing you. I was always the sensitive one. Dad's ex-wife ...
3 comments
Read more

Done

I am so happy that I'm done moving! Now comes the almost unwelcome task of unpacking. As it would have it, I've moved into a smaller space and I need to throw out a few things. Maybe, once everything is cleaned up, I'll take pictures. My younger brother, the previous tenant of the space, has left the bathroom a complete mess. Thank goodness for Scrubbing Bubbles and some pretty amazing toilet cleaner. It'll probably take a another day or two to get the shower to the point where I won't be afraid to shower in it. Its pretty nasty I tell you. Anyway, I'm running out of things to write about today. I'm not feelin' it...
4 comments
Read more