Okay, I'm going to preface this blog with a little warning. I rarely talk about religion. I'll bring God up once in a while, but I don't really write about my faith and religion here. Today is different. Today I am writing about my God, my faith, and my religion.
You've been warned....for lack of a better word.
My dad came home from babysitting my nieces and nephew for a week and a half and needed a break. I was all too happy to oblige. I like sleeping in my bed and waking up when I want to. Anyway, a weekend at home meant that - after being in Ogden for almost three months now - I got to go to my actual ward.
There are few things that I tell people about myself. If you don't ask, I don't tell. People NEVER ask about religion. Most people don't know I'm Mormon. I'm a Mormon. Like Gladys Knight and the Osmonds. If you don't know who those people are, do you live under a rock or were you born in the last 15 years?
Anyway, I've been struggling with my faith for a while or rather having things connect like they used to. I'm pretty convinced that we all go through a drought of sorts when it comes to religious faith where things don't connect as well as they used to. What you know in your brain to be true doesn't connect in your heart and vice versa. I had a Sunday School teacher say it's the longest 12 inches.
I suppose I should give you a little background. I went to church every single week for years. The only times I didn't was when I was sick - which was hardly ever. I graduated from early morning Seminary. I kept all the commandments of the church. Tithing. Word of Wisdom. Law of Chastity. I attended numerous service projects. I did my visiting teaching. I made it easy for my Home Teachers to come to my house. I served in many callings. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but I was faithful in what was required of me. When I moved to Oregon, not going to church became easy. I didn't know anyone. I didn't have a car. My roommate at the time didn't want to take me. There was no bus service anywhere near the chapel I needed to go to. There were so many excuses that I used that made it easy to not go. Things didn't go as planned in Oregon and I moved back to Utah in 2012. Up until last summer, my church attendance has been spotty, at best. I was like a Catholic version of a Mormon - Easter and Christmas church attendance with a few special occasions that warranted church attendance was about the extent of how often I went to Church. I will always watch General Conference, though. I know. Weird.
Anyway, my church attendance has been on the upswing, but I haven't gone to the ward I'm supposed to go in almost a year. Well, until today. Everything that was taught today was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like Heavenly Father was saying, "I've been trying to give you this. I've been trying to get you to feel something for the past 4 years." I firmly believe that Heavenly Father doesn't forget you. He won't turn His back on you. The blessings of the Gospel might stop coming in, but He is ever mindful of you even if you've turned your back on Him.
In my efforts to be receptive to anything today, I read a talk from this last General Conference by Bonnie L. Oscarson titled "Do I Believe?" It was like I was reading about my life. I had learned about the blessings of the temple and that families are forever in Primary and Young Women. I was taught every Sunday that I am a child of God that He loves me. I knew it, but did I believe it? Did I believe everything that I had be taught about the temple, the eternal truths about the family, the blessings of being a full tithe payer, the blessings that come from following the Word of Wisdom and the strength that comes from following the Law of Chastity? Did I believe? As if I was being drenched with spiritual thirst quenching water, the answer was yes, I do believe! This spiritual drought has been the longest I've experienced to date. All I needed to do was seek to have my heart changed and show a willingness to exercise faith.
The hard part for me is consistency and daily effort and repentance. There are years of inactivity and one pesky, hard to overcome on my own sin that I need help with from my Bishop. Asking for help has never been easy for me. Being an intensely private person, asking for support from friends and family isn't easy, but if I learned anything today, it's that no one is ever left to deal with things on their own. There is help and healing to be had if you ask. Things don't need to be so hard.
There is a quote from Elder Jeffrey Holland that gets me in the feels every time I read it. It says, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
I say something similar to a client every day: Don't quit. Keep going. Keep trying. Why is that so hard for people to believe for themselves? We all have the potential. We all have the divine nature in our souls to be like our Heavenly Father. Whether you believe in the God I do or not, we have such HUGE divine potential. Forgetting that - for myself - makes me a little sad that I've wasted years on unimportant things. Forgetting my divine potential makes me sad. But! I am so happy that I'm starting to remember what it's like to sit in the Light of my Heavenly Father. I'm starting to remember what it's like to have a relationship with my Savior. My Brother. The man who sacrificed His Life so I could live.
Do you believe? What's stopping you?
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