You Are the Reason

Dear Mom,

I don't have the words to adequately describe what I'm feeling. You've now been gone longer than half my life. I miss you every day. I think about you at least once every day. I think about you whenever I do anything creative and then it hurts a little bit. I have a lot of half done projects. I read some notes that people sent you while you were sick. It didn't surprise me how many people loved you and respected you. I even learned a little bit about your childhood from a letter that your cousin Abby sent. It made me a little sad because you deserved a better childhood than you had. You persevered though and made sure my childhood was better than then the one you lived through.

I wish I could remember what your voice sounded like. Those were the first memories I lost: the sound of your voice. I remember the one time some lady pulled into a parking spot you were waiting for at the bank and you cursed at her. I laugh at the memory now, but at the time I was surprised that word even came out of your mouth.

Anyway, I'm sending this out to the cosmos. I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I'm trying my best to make you proud.

Love you forever,
Joyce

Comments

It's Okay to Be Sad

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt. Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess: When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fa...

Dear Momma

Dear Momma, How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near. In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here. It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cance...

Mama

Dear Mom, You've been gone 12 years now and I miss you just as much as I did when you left this earth to live with our Heavenly Father. Life has been hard since you've been gone, but I'm sure you know. Yesterday, on your anniversary, I went to lunch with Felisa and visited Stephen and his wife, Shauna in Salt Lake. Who would have thought that almost all us adult siblings would live within an hour's drive of each other? In Utah, no less. We didn't really talk about you, but I'm sure that we were all thinking of you. My heart ached for you a little bit more. I thought of you on Sunday, since it was the day of the week that you passed away. During the Sacrament, I thought of you and everything you taught me about the Gospel, about Jesus, about facing your fears, about forgiveness. When it came to the bearing of testimonies, I was already crying. Half due to allergies and half due to thinking of you and missing you. I was always the sensitive one. Dad's ex-wife ...

A Little ♥ and Soul

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