Skip to main content

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near.

In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here.

It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cancer sooner. It's unfair that life kept moving on without you. I've had my hand over the jar that holds my happiness and unspeakable joy. It has barely anything in it because I don't know if I can bare to be happy or experience unspeakable joy without sharing those experiences with you.

These proverbial emotional walls I have up around me have been insurmountable. I didn't think anyone would have the patience to wait for me to throw over a rope for them to scale the wall or to simply leave the knob-less door open a smidge. Right now I'm literally leaning my head against the door from the safe side of the wall while someone leans against the other side waiting for me to open up a little. Do I let them in? Will they hurt me? What do I do? My dear mother, you would have the answers. You would give me direction in this moment because you experienced this with your own father. The one picture I have of you and him, you look happy. Maybe a little apprehensive, but happy. I need you here to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay and that this person won't break my heart. And if they do, I need you here to tell me that it'll be okay.

Mom, I miss you something fierce tonight. I yearn for those missed experiences that I was supposed to have with you as an adult. Sometimes, when I think of you, the smile on my face gets a little goofy because I know exactly how you'd act when a certain song play. Sometimes, I drown in the memory because it makes me so sad.

Tonight, I'm drowning. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Okay to Be Sad

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt. Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess: When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Late...As Usual

So, turns out that I'm not so great at posting on here as I once was. I was even late to post my once yearly Dear Mom post. I really have no excuses other than I've been out of school for almost 3 weeks now since I started going full-time in January. I'm pretty sure the last time I posted anything was in October of last year. Anyway, let's play catch up! I started school full-time in January at BYU-Idaho's online program. I completed 28 credits this year. I'm ready for a break. The accreditation for the public health degree program changed but the changes only apply for the on-campus students and not the online students - aka me. So I'm going to have to transfer schools...again. I've been looking at grad programs in Portland, Oregon. Portland calls my name at least once a year, and I always research reasons to move back. The first time I moved there I was under prepared. I moved with the wrong person. When I move back, I'll be done with school...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Healthy Start

So, you know when the beginning of the new year rolls around and you recommit yourself to begin a healthier lifestyle and then you kind of crash and burn somewhere around the end of the month? Yeah...I've been there. Like every year of my my twenties. For some reason, the closer I get to turning 32 - yikes! when did that happen??? - the more I think about where I want my life to go, what I want to do, who I want to be...you get the point. Almost a week ago, I started exercising every day with just one rest day a week. Today - Saturday - is my rest day. It also is my sugar day. Anyhow, last Sunday I was sitting in my room perusing Pinterest. I was coming off a graveyard shift sleep the daylight hours away stint and I was bored. I said to myself, "You should do something healthy today. You've slept all day and have energy to burn." Somehow I ended up on this wall exercise chart thing on a friend's board and I thought, I can do this. It's quiet. I won't wake...
3 comments
Read more