Skip to main content

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near.

In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here.

It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cancer sooner. It's unfair that life kept moving on without you. I've had my hand over the jar that holds my happiness and unspeakable joy. It has barely anything in it because I don't know if I can bare to be happy or experience unspeakable joy without sharing those experiences with you.

These proverbial emotional walls I have up around me have been insurmountable. I didn't think anyone would have the patience to wait for me to throw over a rope for them to scale the wall or to simply leave the knob-less door open a smidge. Right now I'm literally leaning my head against the door from the safe side of the wall while someone leans against the other side waiting for me to open up a little. Do I let them in? Will they hurt me? What do I do? My dear mother, you would have the answers. You would give me direction in this moment because you experienced this with your own father. The one picture I have of you and him, you look happy. Maybe a little apprehensive, but happy. I need you here to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay and that this person won't break my heart. And if they do, I need you here to tell me that it'll be okay.

Mom, I miss you something fierce tonight. I yearn for those missed experiences that I was supposed to have with you as an adult. Sometimes, when I think of you, the smile on my face gets a little goofy because I know exactly how you'd act when a certain song play. Sometimes, I drown in the memory because it makes me so sad.

Tonight, I'm drowning. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Okay to Be Sad

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt. Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess: When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Done

I am so happy that I'm done moving! Now comes the almost unwelcome task of unpacking. As it would have it, I've moved into a smaller space and I need to throw out a few things. Maybe, once everything is cleaned up, I'll take pictures. My younger brother, the previous tenant of the space, has left the bathroom a complete mess. Thank goodness for Scrubbing Bubbles and some pretty amazing toilet cleaner. It'll probably take a another day or two to get the shower to the point where I won't be afraid to shower in it. Its pretty nasty I tell you. Anyway, I'm running out of things to write about today. I'm not feelin' it...
4 comments
Read more

Mama

Dear Mom, You've been gone 12 years now and I miss you just as much as I did when you left this earth to live with our Heavenly Father. Life has been hard since you've been gone, but I'm sure you know. Yesterday, on your anniversary, I went to lunch with Felisa and visited Stephen and his wife, Shauna in Salt Lake. Who would have thought that almost all us adult siblings would live within an hour's drive of each other? In Utah, no less. We didn't really talk about you, but I'm sure that we were all thinking of you. My heart ached for you a little bit more. I thought of you on Sunday, since it was the day of the week that you passed away. During the Sacrament, I thought of you and everything you taught me about the Gospel, about Jesus, about facing your fears, about forgiveness. When it came to the bearing of testimonies, I was already crying. Half due to allergies and half due to thinking of you and missing you. I was always the sensitive one. Dad's ex-wife ...
3 comments
Read more