I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt.
Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess:
- When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fall. Somehow I forgot that I needed a higher grade to continue without filling out another SAP. When I realized that I tore myself up mentally. Like how the hell could I do that to myself? Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I ask for help? Why am I such a loser? Even now, I'm a little tender about it, but I figured I'd sign up for another sociology 1010 class with a different professor who doesn't have as many students in their class. A few days before Christmas I found out that since I got a D in that first sociology class, I had to fill out another SAP and explain why I got a D and what will change to ensure that I'd get a better grade this time around. I didn't do a great job on the first explanation so I had to re-submit the form. Because of the holidays, my SAP wasn't reviewed till the Saturday before the semester started in which whoever reviewed my first explanation told me that I needed to re-do the whole thing. My tuition is due in less than a week and I'm waiting on Financial Aid to review my file. In the meantime, if by some miracle I do get another chance to prove myself, I'm slowly falling behind in my reading assignments for my classes. I don't have the money to buy textbooks much less pay for tuition. My leftover financial aid also pays for my student Amazon Prime. That can hopefully be remedied by my dad since it's $60 for the year and he enjoys watching Prime now that he's retired.
- While I wait for my fate to be decided by the financial aid office gods, I have to weigh my options. Do I go back to BYU-I where my GPA is much higher? Do I take a class at a time at UVU, pay out of pocket while working full-time somewhere while I try to raise my GPA to a suitable standard? Do I even want to go into behavioral sciences? I would absolutely have to go to grad school to get a masters to get to where I would want to with a behavioral science degree. If I stop at a bachelors in behavioral science, the only jobs really available are the ones I've worked before for barely more than minimum wage. And every GPA calculator I've looked up with my sceanario all say that it'll take approximately 154 additional credits for me to raise my GPA to grad school bare standards. There are grad school programs where the GPA is a 2.0, but
- Along the BYU-I thought process, the only reason I transferred back to UVU was because BYU-I did away with my major. It had something to do with accreditation for the online degree or something like that. Starting in April, BYU-I will be launching a new applied health bachelors degree program which is what I wanted to do before they did away with my initial degree.
- As far as I can see - which is limited because I'm human - I have two options. Option 1: If financial aid does come through this semester, work my ass off to improve my GPA and finish at UVU in behavioral science but change my concentration to either anthropology or family science because sociology is apparently not working for me right now. Option 2: If financial aid doesn't come through, reapply to BYU-I and get into the applied health program and finish there. Work my ass off to keep my GPA at or above a 3.0 GPA just in case I want to go to grad school. Between now and September when fall semester starts, get a job so I don't feel like a freaking scrub (thanks to TLC for giving me the right word to use there.).
Anyway, that is the messy web of thoughts swirling around my head. I haven't really told anyone because I don't do well with emotions. I'm embarrassed. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm sad that I didn't try harder. While all this messiness is causing grief and frustration, I've had numerous moments of God, or the universe, telling me to remember who I am. I found this quote by Neil Gaiman who said, "Finish things just whatever it takes to finish. Finish. And then get on with the next one. You will learn more from a glorious failure than you ever will from something you've never finished." That quote came to me after I fasted on Sunday about the predicament I'm in. I was sure that I was going to get an audible answer or an overwhelming feeling of what I'm supposed to do. When I didn't get an immediate answer, I found this quote the next day on Pinterest. I had every intention of throwing in the towel but then I thought to myself, "Fine, I'll finish. But what happens if financial aid doesn't come through? What then??" The other two quotes I found also spoke to me.
Anyway, I've thought about this as well, going back to BYU-I will also help me in my spiritual goals as well. These past couple years it has been hard for me to make myself go to church. Between not having a job to make myself accountable to and procrastinating school assignments to the wee hours of the mornings, I just let myself get off schedule and I wasn't accountable to anyone. I really need a part job to make this all happen. I also need to stop making excuses for why I don't go to my own ward.
Wish me luck.
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