A Little ♥ and Soul

So, turns out that I'm not so great at posting on here as I once was. I was even late to post my once yearly Dear Mom post. I really have no excuses other than I've been out of school for almost 3 weeks now since I started going full-time in January. I'm pretty sure the last time I posted anything was in October of last year. Anyway, let's play catch up! I started school full-time in January at BYU-Idaho's online program. I completed 28 credits this year. I'm ready for a break. The accreditation for the public health degree program changed but the changes only apply for the on-campus students and not the online students - aka me. So I'm going to have to transfer schools...again. I've been looking at grad programs in Portland, Oregon. Portland calls my name at least once a year, and I always research reasons to move back. The first time I moved there I was under prepared. I moved with the wrong person. When I move back, I'll be done with school...

Dear Mom, I don't have the words to adequately describe what I'm feeling. You've now been gone longer than half my life. I miss you every day. I think about you at least once every day. I think about you whenever I do anything creative and then it hurts a little bit. I have a lot of half done projects. I read some notes that people sent you while you were sick. It didn't surprise me how many people loved you and respected you. I even learned a little bit about your childhood from a letter that your cousin Abby sent. It made me a little sad because you deserved a better childhood than you had. You persevered though and made sure my childhood was better than then the one you lived through. I wish I could remember what your voice sounded like. Those were the first memories I lost: the sound of your voice. I remember the one time some lady pulled into a parking spot you were waiting for at the bank and you cursed at her. I laugh at the memory now, but at the time I was...

There's this road I like driving down at night mostly because at the starting point of the loop, it smells like pine trees and dirt. It reminds me of going to the mountains near where I grew up in California. Just up the road there are horse pastures, and when the wind is blowing the right direction, the pine trees and dirt scent mingles with a faint horse pasture scent. It reminds me of home. Especially during the summer evenings when the sun is going down the farmers have usually been watering their hay and alfalfa pastures and I love the scent of water, sun warmed pastures, pine trees, and dirt. I'm a sentimental person, obviously. I like driving this loop with the windows down and radio off while I think about life and make plans. Sometimes, I drive this loop just to smell the pine trees and dirt. I love when there isn't much of a moon out and it's a clear night when I drive this mountain road. When I'm closing the loop and making my way home - or sometimes g...

I don't usually publicly announce my religious affiliation on social media - or in real life - very often. I won't deny that I am LDS - or Mormon if I'm asked what church I go to or what religion I subscribe to. I'm one of those Mormon's who quietly live their religion. I may be Mormon, but I don't believe that every LGBTQ+ individual has a one way ticket to hell. There are people I love who are identify as something other than straight. I love them because they are my family, my people. I don't love them more or less because they are gay, lesbian, queer, or whatever. What they identify as doesn't matter to me. I also believe that medical marijuana is helpful in a lot of cases. Seizures. Cancer. Crohns. Glaucoma. Autism. Anyone with an end-stage, incurable, going to die anyway disease. Does that make me a bad Mormon? I don't think so. There are definitely people who are Mormon who are very strict and by the book in their observance of our shared f...

Ed Sheeran wrote the song about his grandmother who passed away while making his newest album. July is a hard month for me. My mom died July 4th. My dad got remarried a year later towards the end of July. Well, I guess the whole month isn't hard, but those two life changing events happened in July. Anyway, every time I listen to this song, I think of my mom. It makes me a little sad. Mostly because she's gone and all the memories I have of my mom are fading. There are tiny snippets of moments I shared with my mom that I hope will never fade. I probably should write them down in my journal... I look at the relationships my friends have with their mothers and I wonder what my relationship would be like with my mom if cancer didn't take her. If I wonder too much or too long, it hurts a little bit because I know it'll never come to fruition. I thank God, though, that my relationship with my mom ever existed at all and will continue after this life ends. And one of t...

It has been 18 years since you left this earth for a life without pain. A life without the hazy cloud of pain killers. A life where you are healthy. A life where cancer doesn't exist. I'm not going to lie; the past week has been hard. I've had a hard time trying to keep my emotions in check while at work. I had an assignment for my English class where we had to choose a personal experience that changed my life. You are part of my story and I cried at the memories that I had neatly stored away. I have these walls up to protect me from being hurt. There have been precious few people who have seen the walls completely down. I was ill equipped for life after you. Instead of asking for help, I built walls. Sometimes I wish I was more of a wear-your-emotions-on-your-sleeve kind of person, the kind of person who was a little less reserved. I don't wear my annoyance or are-you-kidding-me faces well...at all...like ever. You could always tell what I was feeling even though I ...

I had made a goal back in August to journal/blog more. Then school started. I took 5 credits and my classes were online so I thought I'd have ample time to devote to things that are important to me. Like leaving behind a written history of my time here on earth. Nope. Didn't happen. School completely and almost entirely consumed my time. For three and half months, I didn't really do anything. I mean, I did go to two baseball games with my friend Janae. I may have gone to a few movies with her, too. But really, since September, nearly all my time was spent on this damn laptop doing homework. There was SO much reading. I've been to college. I've had homework. Somehow, though, this was more than I've ever experienced in my college career. I'm happy that I get a break though and I'm looking forward to next semester, but I really hope that there isn't nearly as much reading.  Anyhow, I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska sitting in a hotel room while my fam...