I have this song going through my head right now. It kind of makes me sad when I think of the lyrics as it applies to the girls I work with. "Every magazine she reads tells her she's not good enough" and "She would change everything for happy ever after." That's the part that gets me every time. These girls are so unhappy and at some point in their recovery, they hate the choices that got them to the point where they were sent away because the adults in their lives couldn't handle them. It makes me even more sad when I read their files and hear when their parents aren't really supporting them in their recovery. I wish I could give specifics but privacy is valuable over here in these parts. Suffice it to say, the relationship daughters have with their parents should be one of the most important relationships a parent has.
Their mistakes make me feel so grateful for the parents that I have. Not that their parents didn't love them enough or intended to give up custody of their daughters, but sometimes love isn't enough. Raising children is so hard. Raising children in an environment that is unstable because of whatever bad situation makes it even harder for a parent. In the end, I'm just glad that I have the parents that I do. Parents who cared enough to ask questions and paid attention to my emotions.
Anyhow, life has been a series of ups and downs since my last post. My younger brother and his wife had their baby girl a few days ago. Yesterday, I found out that my oldest brother and his wife are expecting their fourth child. Then today, tragedy hit and there was a death in the family for a different sister in law. So much new life coming into this world only to have a beautiful spirit leave in an incredibly painful way. It makes life a little bittersweet at the moment. I hate it when people I know pass away. Totally bums me out. Especially when I have time to sit and think about it.
Moving on.
I've made some goals for this year. Nothing really new about that. As I mentioned in my last post, I haven't really thought of a theme for this year. I made four goals this year. Get healthy, make my bed every day of 2014, write in my journal at least once a month, and work on my spiritual health. So far, I've missed 2 days of making my bed. Eating healthy is hard when you're working with a limited budget and you have a roommate who loves baking sweets and carb laden treats. As far as exercise goes, I need to be better. I walk to and from work most days. Two miles just doesn't really put a dent into things, but does help me by maintaining what I've lost so far. I'm planning on getting a 3 month pass to the rec center to start and then when I get my tax refund - I'm hoping it'll be a fairly big chunk of change - to get an annual pass. It's a little less than $300 for a year. Although, having an initial appointment with a trainer at a conventional gym would be helpful, I can't imagine spending that much money or having to travel more than a mile. I guess I'm just a little lazy like that. Plus, the one person who would be my workout buddy isn't reliable enough to spend the money at a for-real-only-the-pretty-people come here kind of gym. And the Provo rec center is a little less than a mile away from my house, so why spend the money and feel awkward in front of people I don't want to be around? Anyway, I figured out that I gained about 8 pounds after I moved back home from my brother's though. Having people cook for you and not having to think about what you're putting into your mouth because it's already healthy is easy. That's how I lost the initial 32 pounds. But now that I'm spending my own money on food and having to be more mindful about what I'm putting into my body, it's a lot harder. Especially since I eat when I'm bored or if I need to stay awake. Like at work. Today, I bought a gallon jug of water to drink while I'm at work to keep me hydrated - if I don't have water in front of me, I don't get near enough water throughout the day - and to keep me awake. More water = fewer unhealthy snacks. I just have to be vigilant about bringing the jug with me to work; which might be a pain when it's full and I walk to work that night.
Anyhow, I'm mostly trying to get back on top of things. Like medical bills. (yuck!) I've been back at work for almost two whole months now and it's become pretty apparent that I need something that will let me have more of a schedule and sleep like a normal person. It'd be amazing. Which brings back the need to get back to school. I've been so lazy about calling the admissions counselor lady to see if I have to start all over again or if I can just pick up where I left off. I guess, worse case scenario, if I do have to start all over, I can fly through those blocks and retake the vocabulary tests with ease.
*I just daydreamed for 10 whole minutes about moving to the Oregon Coast working as a medical assistant in some little clinic. Apparently, in this daydream, I lived in a cute little bungalow that had room for a garden and somewhere to keep a dog and a cheerfully bright colored front door. That's all I want in life: beach, garden, dog, fulfilling career and a comfortable home to call mine. I mean, aside from having a kick a$$ husband, that's all I want out of life....oh and being happy. I want to be happy. Also, I had a Costco membership, and a lovely, eccentric older couple for neighbors that had the best advice on gardening. How random is that?*
It's my dream to move back to Oregon. I miss it. I miss the option of not dealing with snow. While I complained about the rain, it really was pretty great. I loved being so close to the beach and to Portland. I loved that most everything stayed green during the winter.
Someday, I'll get there.
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