Life had been slow the past couple months. You know: full time job with wonky hours that require you to sleep during daylight hours. I haven't had a life in T W O and a H A L F YEARS. Literally. All I've done is work or have done the work and school combo. I guess that 5 days I took off almost two years ago could count for something, but not really. Anyhow, almost three weeks ago, the residential treatment facility I was working for, closed. There weren't enough girls to keep the program going - in fact, we were LOSING money - so the company that ran this program gave all of us the boot. A few people were able to find jobs within the company at other programs. I was nearing the end of my rope and needed to be done so I could find greener pastures elsewhere.
At first, I was mad that they only gave us ten days to find jobs somewhere else. Then I was sad, then mad, then a weird combo of both. All at once, the five other stages of grief followed suit. I'm over it. Mostly because somewhere in the past week and a half, I've managed to flip a switch. The light has managed to turn on at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I interviewed for a job on Monday and accepted said job on Tuesday.
Things are about to get church-y ya'll, so bear with me.
I think this "miracle" turn of attitude has something to do with the lesson that was taught in Relief Society this past Sunday. Most of the lesson was on hope. At some point in the lesson, Sister Mott was sharing a story about how she and her husband were making their way back to the church. She had become a smoker during their inactivity and she had made a deal with Heavenly Father. She had said that if He would take this addiction away from her, she would devote her life to Him for the rest of her life. I have been dealing with things, past sins, and just all around trying to find my way through life. When she shared that story, it hit me right in the heart. My brain and heart connected on the spirit behind her words and things have been clearer. The thought crossed my mind that if I'm at least willing to give up this sin, I can devote the rest of my life to my Heavenly Father. And then, it was like Heavenly Father was smacking his forehead with his palm like it was about time that I had come to this realization.
I am not so great with speaking the things that are on my mind. I am truly an introvert through and through on that aspect of my personality. But right now, I just have to say that I've had a change of heart on so many things. The past couple years have been hard. By all accounts, I should still be in Oregon, but I'm kind of glad that things didn't work out with that situation. I definitely wouldn't be going to church, and really, I haven't been going to church on a consistent basis since I've been back in Utah. I love my friends back in Oregon. They saved me from being lost in depression, but I know that hanging out with them, without any friends who were anchored in the Church or in Christ, I am certain that I would have become very apathetic towards the LDS church.
I'm seeing life with more clarity now. I think a lot of it has to do with being able to have a regular schedule. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the job I had, but working the grave shift schedule for over two years has been brutal on my body and my spirit. I'm excited to get back to church and to get my life back to where I know I will be most useful and blessed in return.
Some day, I hope to feel the contentment this picture makes me feel right now. I mean, I am finally content with the decision to make my way back to the light and peace of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but this picture just makes me feel like, hey, you've done good. Enjoy the here and now. Which, I guess I try to feel every day because positivity is good for your insides. I finally feel like something in my life is headed in the right direction and the blessings of the Gospel are somewhere in distance. I finally feel like the picture of what my life will be will match the one I've been dreaming of for a very long time. I just have to remember the way I feel right now and put in the hard work.
I am finally making a decision because I want it.
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