I have had a lot of time on my hands to think and fill out paperwork and stuff. But mostly I've been thinking. Not a lot of sleeping has been happening. On average, I still get about eight hours every night, but it's usually broken up into 2 or 3 segments. Every time I wake up or even reposition myself, it takes an hour for me to fall back to sleep. It's really irritating. Part of my problem is that I'm really not that sleepy. I mean, if I hadn't broken my ankle, I'd be doing my normal routine. Cleaning something, going on a walk or even going to work. All those activities require that I actually move my body. I need to eat to control my diabetes. I need to rest so my ankle continues to heal properly. But the fact that I spend most of my day rolling around on an office chair or slowly hobbling on my crutches or sitting around on the couch, I'm not expending any energy. Mental or physical energy. I should probably pick up a book or something to occupy my mind.
ugh...
These past 17 days - since my surgery - have been trying. I have felt a lot of emotions that I don't want to feel. I've felt discouraged, depressed, restless, anxious, gratitude, overwhelmed, sad. It's exhausting to feel those feelings and actually have time to sit in them and really really really thoroughly feel them. I'm still feeling some of those emotions. Mostly restless and overwhelmed. Maybe even a little sad. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer fact that this trial is going to cost me a lot of money if I can't get covered by Medicaid or get some sort of reprieve till I return to work and am able to earn money again. I'm restless most everyday because there is only so much I can do for myself while my ankle heals. I hate not being able to have at least a little control of my day. My brother and his family have been more than gracious enough to have me here in their home while I recuperate. I really don't know how I'm going to repay them for everything they are doing for me. Just thinking about that is overwhelming because I'm so grateful for them. To top it off, I'm sad. My niece, Alena, and I were talking about what happened to me, and she said that it was a blessing in disguise that I broke my ankle because then I would have never gone back to the doctor to take care of my diabetes. I'm sad that everything that has happened, happened. I'm sad because I'm pretty much stuck inside all day. I'm sad because I miss the sun shining on my face even if it's cold outside. I miss being able to flex my foot or even scratch my ankle when it itches. I miss my bed. I miss taking a real shower. Oddly enough, I miss doing laundry and doing the dishes and cooking.
It's only now that I'm coming to the realization that maybe my accident really was a blessing in disguise. When my body has healed and I'm not ordered to stay off my ankle, I don't think I'll be taking missing any opportunity to do the things that I love, that make me happy. I will start to take care of my body that way I need to instead of misusing it. Before my accident, I was working just to work. To survive. I wasn't happy at all with my job. I was going to school just because I needed a job skill to get me out of a job that I didn't like. Nothing that I was doing had any sort of passion behind it. I lacked motivation to venture outside what was comfortable to get to somewhere that was better. Part of me is still scared to venture outside the comfortable and convenient because I don't want to fail. I don't want to fall. If I stay where I am though....I'm failing. It's an awful cycle to be in.
This past weekend during General Conference, there was a quote that said something to the extent that you should doubt your doubts first. Not your faith. That really hit home for me and I really wish that I could remember who said it right now. Anyhow, I felt at that moment, that the speaker was speaking to me. With everything that happened in Oregon, not that it was huge or crazy, I came back to Utah a completely different person. I started to let those doubts into my mind and and they started to rule my life. I can see where I went wrong. Oregon probably shouldn't have happened the way it did. There are a number of things that I would change if I ever get the opportunity to go back. I wouldn't let those sins take over and I wouldn't let those doubts let me doubt my faith in a loving Heavenly Father who loves me regardless. His love is there. It doesn't change. It isn't dependent on whether you've sinned or not. He loves you even when you do sin. It is there unchanging in its perfection. It took listening to General Conference to renew that knowledge in my mind. It took un-friending someone on Facebook who I thought would be in my life forever because I wasn't included in their life anymore.
In the past 17 days, life has been a veritable roller coaster. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My wish is that this accident has set me on a path that will lead to happiness. I haven't figured out what I need to do or even where I'll really even end up, but I want to live more genuinely. Not just someone who is merely passing through life unhappy and directionless.
I just need to figure out the how and where.
ugh...
These past 17 days - since my surgery - have been trying. I have felt a lot of emotions that I don't want to feel. I've felt discouraged, depressed, restless, anxious, gratitude, overwhelmed, sad. It's exhausting to feel those feelings and actually have time to sit in them and really really really thoroughly feel them. I'm still feeling some of those emotions. Mostly restless and overwhelmed. Maybe even a little sad. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer fact that this trial is going to cost me a lot of money if I can't get covered by Medicaid or get some sort of reprieve till I return to work and am able to earn money again. I'm restless most everyday because there is only so much I can do for myself while my ankle heals. I hate not being able to have at least a little control of my day. My brother and his family have been more than gracious enough to have me here in their home while I recuperate. I really don't know how I'm going to repay them for everything they are doing for me. Just thinking about that is overwhelming because I'm so grateful for them. To top it off, I'm sad. My niece, Alena, and I were talking about what happened to me, and she said that it was a blessing in disguise that I broke my ankle because then I would have never gone back to the doctor to take care of my diabetes. I'm sad that everything that has happened, happened. I'm sad because I'm pretty much stuck inside all day. I'm sad because I miss the sun shining on my face even if it's cold outside. I miss being able to flex my foot or even scratch my ankle when it itches. I miss my bed. I miss taking a real shower. Oddly enough, I miss doing laundry and doing the dishes and cooking.
It's only now that I'm coming to the realization that maybe my accident really was a blessing in disguise. When my body has healed and I'm not ordered to stay off my ankle, I don't think I'll be taking missing any opportunity to do the things that I love, that make me happy. I will start to take care of my body that way I need to instead of misusing it. Before my accident, I was working just to work. To survive. I wasn't happy at all with my job. I was going to school just because I needed a job skill to get me out of a job that I didn't like. Nothing that I was doing had any sort of passion behind it. I lacked motivation to venture outside what was comfortable to get to somewhere that was better. Part of me is still scared to venture outside the comfortable and convenient because I don't want to fail. I don't want to fall. If I stay where I am though....I'm failing. It's an awful cycle to be in.
This past weekend during General Conference, there was a quote that said something to the extent that you should doubt your doubts first. Not your faith. That really hit home for me and I really wish that I could remember who said it right now. Anyhow, I felt at that moment, that the speaker was speaking to me. With everything that happened in Oregon, not that it was huge or crazy, I came back to Utah a completely different person. I started to let those doubts into my mind and and they started to rule my life. I can see where I went wrong. Oregon probably shouldn't have happened the way it did. There are a number of things that I would change if I ever get the opportunity to go back. I wouldn't let those sins take over and I wouldn't let those doubts let me doubt my faith in a loving Heavenly Father who loves me regardless. His love is there. It doesn't change. It isn't dependent on whether you've sinned or not. He loves you even when you do sin. It is there unchanging in its perfection. It took listening to General Conference to renew that knowledge in my mind. It took un-friending someone on Facebook who I thought would be in my life forever because I wasn't included in their life anymore.
In the past 17 days, life has been a veritable roller coaster. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My wish is that this accident has set me on a path that will lead to happiness. I haven't figured out what I need to do or even where I'll really even end up, but I want to live more genuinely. Not just someone who is merely passing through life unhappy and directionless.
I just need to figure out the how and where.
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