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It's Christmastime


Realities of Christmas 2011:

*I'm having an abnormally GREEN Christmas. Meaning there are still (some) leaves on
the trees and the grass is still green. It's weird to not have a couple inches of snow on the ground.
*I'm poorer than poor. Just thinking that my rent is due in a week gives me hives and ulcers.
*I miss my family so much it kind of makes me want to cry.
*The only Christmas decorations we have up in the apartment are our stockings.
It's pretty sad.

It just doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year. I'm away from home. I have no money. There are hardly any Christmas decorations up in my apartment. There's no snow on the ground. It is cold though. Cold enough to snow even. But alas, no white Christmas for me. Which, in and of itself, is a weird concept for me. This is my first Christmas without snow in 8 years. My first Christmas not in Utah in as many years. My first Christmas without my nieces. I hate that I'm so far away from my family right now. Especially today.

I doesn't feel like Christmas inside my heart. Usually, there is so much that I'm thankful for. But I really can't think of anything aside from the fact that I'm alive and I have a roof over my head. I suppose, for that small fortune, I should be grateful. I just don't feel it. My job...ugh...my job. My family ward Bishop has been especially slow in getting me a new referral for my transfer thus throwing a HUGE wrench into my 6 month plan of living in Oregon. I haven't worked in well over a month. Money has literally run out. *except for the $80 my sister owes me, but I really can't hold my breath in seeing that money ever again.* It seems that despair has gotten the best of me this holiday season. And while I'm grateful that I'm alive, my insides are aching for the support system I left in Utah and for the familiarity of home.

I miss feeling useful. I can't believe I actually miss Utah and consider it home. I miss working. I hate just merely existing. I miss a couch to sit on. I miss having a real bed. I miss having a kitchen table.

bleh...

what a miserable Christmas.

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