It's Christmastime

Realities of Christmas 2011:

*I'm having an abnormally GREEN Christmas. Meaning there are still (some) leaves on

the trees and the grass is still green. It's weird to not have a couple inches of snow on the ground.

*I'm poorer than poor. Just thinking that my rent is due in a week gives me hives and ulcers.

*I miss my family so much it kind of makes me want to cry.

*The only Christmas decorations we have up in the apartment are our stockings.

It's pretty sad.

It just doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year. I'm away from home. I have no money. There are hardly any Christmas decorations up in my apartment. There's no snow on the ground. It is cold though. Cold enough to snow even. But alas, no white Christmas for me. Which, in and of itself, is a weird concept for me. This is my first Christmas without snow in 8 years. My first Christmas not in Utah in as many years. My first Christmas without my nieces. I hate that I'm so far away from my family right now. Especially today.

I doesn't feel like Christmas inside my heart. Usually, there is so much that I'm thankful for. But I really can't think of anything aside from the fact that I'm alive and I have a roof over my head. I suppose, for that small fortune, I should be grateful. I just don't feel it. My job...ugh...my job. My family ward Bishop has been especially slow in getting me a new referral for my transfer thus throwing a HUGE wrench into my 6 month plan of living in Oregon. I haven't worked in well over a month. Money has literally run out. *except for the $80 my sister owes me, but I really can't hold my breath in seeing that money ever again.* It seems that despair has gotten the best of me this holiday season. And while I'm grateful that I'm alive, my insides are aching for the support system I left in Utah and for the familiarity of home.

I miss feeling useful. I can't believe I actually miss Utah and consider it home. I miss working. I hate just merely existing. I miss a couch to sit on. I miss having a real bed. I miss having a kitchen table.

bleh...

what a miserable Christmas.

Comments

It's Okay to Be Sad

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt. Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess: When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fa...

Reasons

So, you remember from the last post when I said things were "a-changin'"? Well, they are. I'm moving to Hillsboro, Oregon. ETA: November 1st, but probably November 4th so I can at least finish the pay period instead of leaving in the middle of it. Anyway, here's a quick list of things I bet you didn't know about Hillsboro: *It's near the ghost town of Idiotville, Oregon. Real place. Wiki or google it. *What Draper, Utah is to SLC is exactly what Hillsboro is unto Portland. Almost the same place. *Has AMAZING parks and waterfalls. *All voting is done by mail. Secretly, I'm a little bummed about not getting a "I voted" sticker. Okay, so I could only really think of 4 things that you might not have known about Hillsboro or the surrounding area. Oregon as a state though, is pretty dang fantastic. I'll finally be able to partake in the Goonie-for-the-day festivities in Astoria. While there are many reasons why I'm moving away, the main rea...

Dear Momma

Dear Momma, How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near. In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here. It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cance...

A Little ♥ and Soul

Search This Blog