Dear Mom,
You've been gone 12 years now and I miss you just as much as I did when you left this earth to live with our Heavenly Father. Life has been hard since you've been gone, but I'm sure you know. Yesterday, on your anniversary, I went to lunch with Felisa and visited Stephen and his wife, Shauna in Salt Lake. Who would have thought that almost all us adult siblings would live within an hour's drive of each other? In Utah, no less. We didn't really talk about you, but I'm sure that we were all thinking of you. My heart ached for you a little bit more.
I thought of you on Sunday, since it was the day of the week that you passed away. During the Sacrament, I thought of you and everything you taught me about the Gospel, about Jesus, about facing your fears, about forgiveness. When it came to the bearing of testimonies, I was already crying. Half due to allergies and half due to thinking of you and missing you. I was always the sensitive one.
Dad's ex-wife was there sitting on the same bench as me and Dad and Adam. I can't say I really care for her. She's one of those people that just leaves a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak. When Bishop Hughes got up to bear his testimony, he shared an experience about watching a group of blind children trying to find their way up to the train platform. The two little girls that went last held hands and giggled all the way up to the platform while their instructors would give them instructions to correct their path. He said we're all here together. We need to forgive one another and love each other. I immediately thought of my distaste for "her". The other woman who tried so hard to replace you. My heart ached even more for you because I knew Bishop Hughes was speaking to me. I may not like or even love the ex, but I can at least respect the fact that she's a child of God, right?
I miss you mom. More than words can say. I wish that you were here. Some days I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. There are so many things in my life that I wish I could get your advice on. But mostly, I want to say I love you again because I didn't say it nearly enough in life. I have always regretted that.
There are six little girls that look at pictures of you when you were a young bride. I think, or I hope, that they were able to hug you and kiss you before coming to earth. And the one little nephew - your grandson - I hope he remembers you a little bit. They would make your heart soar, momma.
Mom, I'm trying to piece my life together in a way that would keep a little bit of you in my life. And maybe I've taken it a little too literal in doing the CNA program, but I'm trying to become what you've wanted me to be. It's been slow. It's been painful. And I still have a long ways to go, but I will be someone who will make you proud to call me daughter.
I love you momma. I always will.
Joyce
Comments
I don't often keep up with your blog, but when I do, I always find a post like this one I found today that touches my heart and soul so deeply that I can't help but comment. You already HAVE made your mother proud to call you her daughter. As an outsider looking in, although auntie was strict with you kids and always pushed you hard to succeed, it was only because she was a great mother and one who knew what her children were capable of acheiving. I miss her all the time too. There are times when I am in Fresno and I feel like driving over to your old house because it was home to me too for a little while. I remember everything that happened in that short period of time so clearly still to this day. I don't think those memories will ever go away, just like the pain of losing her will never go away. But I want you to know that I know for a fact that you make your mom proud every single day, because she is your mother and even when we screw up majorly, they are always proud of us for getting back on our feet. I still can't imagine what it must feel like to lose your mother - but remember that you are so blessed to have brothers and a sister who were also raised with the same values and principles, and even more blessed to be able to live close to them and have a relationship with them. I know it's hard to remember the good times because she left this earth so quickly and in such a harsh way, but we did have a lot of laughter and love during that time and I am so grateful that my mom made sure that we spent that time with your family as much as we could. One of my favorite memories is singing old Beatles songs together in your living room. I love you cousin - I know we don't keep in touch as much as we both would like, but I want you to know that I too was thinking of your mom this past 4th of July. I miss her too. But I just wanted to let you know that I know she is proud of you today and everyday and she is proud to call you her daughter.
Love you cousin,
Leena
Love,
Heather