So, I have a writing assignment in my English class where I have to write a dialog as part of a transformation paper. A self-introspection piece, if you will. I picked something I never talk about. Ever. Well, rarely. Ok, ok, I "talk" about it, but mostly I write about this part of my life only once a year and I share only a small, small, small portion of what went on. I chose the last "conversation" I had with my mom. It was a monologue that's for sure. I told her that I loved her and if she stayed I'd change my mind about going to Long Beach State and stay home and go to school in town. That conversation happened at 1 AM and she passed away about 3 hours later. I was half expecting a miracle that she'd live a little longer. I also ended up not going to LB State putting what I thought what I wanted to do on hold.
I have to read the conversation I had with my dad prior to talking with my mom out loud in front of my English class in about 12 hours. At this moment, I don't know if I'll get through it without tearing up.
I just hope I don't have to read the final draft in front of the class. This paper has already revealed a part of me that I thought that I'd never see. In the end, I found that I am a selfish child. My dad has a cancerous mass on his kidney and for a small moment, I found that I didn't care. My only surviving parent could have a malignant cancerous mass and could die if it has spread at all. Even now, I am loathing that moment that has settled itself in my memory and can't be erased away to show the loving, caring daughter that I want and should be. Especially considering I only have one parent left here on earth. Seriously. I am cringing at the thought of that day when my dad sent me a text that I didn't care to respond to.
I am a horrible person. (side note: I told my institute teacher about my experiences with General Conference and how some of the talks were a kick in the pants for me. After class she gave me a hug and said, "Joyce, you are a good girl. Don't forget that." I had tears running down my face as I left class because all weekend I thought about was that brief moment of not caring what happened to my dad. I don't know. I've had this brewing in my head the past couple days and I hate myself for being so...unconcerned. Blase. Whatever you want to call it.)
So people, be kind. Don't be so self-centered, self-involved, self-serving that you forget the important things in life.
*ETA: So I did the dialog. Actually, 2 people from the group I was in had to read it for the class. It made my English Professor cry - which I actually got a kick out of - and it made me realize that I do care. I just didn't know how to react to the thought of the possibilities of what could happen.
I have to read the conversation I had with my dad prior to talking with my mom out loud in front of my English class in about 12 hours. At this moment, I don't know if I'll get through it without tearing up.
I just hope I don't have to read the final draft in front of the class. This paper has already revealed a part of me that I thought that I'd never see. In the end, I found that I am a selfish child. My dad has a cancerous mass on his kidney and for a small moment, I found that I didn't care. My only surviving parent could have a malignant cancerous mass and could die if it has spread at all. Even now, I am loathing that moment that has settled itself in my memory and can't be erased away to show the loving, caring daughter that I want and should be. Especially considering I only have one parent left here on earth. Seriously. I am cringing at the thought of that day when my dad sent me a text that I didn't care to respond to.
I am a horrible person. (side note: I told my institute teacher about my experiences with General Conference and how some of the talks were a kick in the pants for me. After class she gave me a hug and said, "Joyce, you are a good girl. Don't forget that." I had tears running down my face as I left class because all weekend I thought about was that brief moment of not caring what happened to my dad. I don't know. I've had this brewing in my head the past couple days and I hate myself for being so...unconcerned. Blase. Whatever you want to call it.)
So people, be kind. Don't be so self-centered, self-involved, self-serving that you forget the important things in life.
*ETA: So I did the dialog. Actually, 2 people from the group I was in had to read it for the class. It made my English Professor cry - which I actually got a kick out of - and it made me realize that I do care. I just didn't know how to react to the thought of the possibilities of what could happen.
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