Have a little faith in meee

Sometimes I think that God likes toying with my emotions. He says do this and I'll take care of the rest. I do what He says only to find out that it was just a test of faith and nothing comes of what I endeavered to do in the first place. Then I go to the temple not asking why, but what was it that you wanted me to learn from making the jump only to be pulled back. It's always the same. "Faith. You need more faith. Don't give up. You know I wouldn't have let you go too far without being there for you. Just practice your patience and learn to have more faith in me." It's hard to have faith in something when whatever you're trying to do or want to do that is of value is put on hold because Heavenly Father wants you to do something different. It's been an exceptionally trying summer so far...and yes, it's only June.

I just want some relief. Relief from life. From people. From drama. I want to move back to California where I can start anew. Or maybe somewhere else where no one knows me. That's why I wanted to move to Seattle. No one knows me there. I'd be improving my resume and earning money for school while doing so.

Everything is changing and I feel that I'm not changing with it. The things that I wanted to do have been put on hold and I don't know where to turn from here. I feel lost and I despise the feeling. I'm half tempted to go to LA, find a job and not go home at the end of the week but I know that I'd be running away from the life I know here in Provo...and it'd be a lie. As much as I love my friends here, I'm running out of motivation to make a life in Utah. I didn't want to in the first place and I got stuck.

I feel like I need something more than Utah can provide.