A Little ♥ and Soul

There's this road I like driving down at night mostly because at the starting point of the loop, it smells like pine trees and dirt. It reminds me of going to the mountains near where I grew up in California. Just up the road there are horse pastures, and when the wind is blowing the right direction, the pine trees and dirt scent mingles with a faint horse pasture scent. It reminds me of home. Especially during the summer evenings when the sun is going down the farmers have usually been watering their hay and alfalfa pastures and I love the scent of water, sun warmed pastures, pine trees, and dirt. I'm a sentimental person, obviously. I like driving this loop with the windows down and radio off while I think about life and make plans. Sometimes, I drive this loop just to smell the pine trees and dirt. I love when there isn't much of a moon out and it's a clear night when I drive this mountain road. When I'm closing the loop and making my way home - or sometimes g...

I don't usually publicly announce my religious affiliation on social media - or in real life - very often. I won't deny that I am LDS - or Mormon if I'm asked what church I go to or what religion I subscribe to. I'm one of those Mormon's who quietly live their religion. I may be Mormon, but I don't believe that every LGBTQ+ individual has a one way ticket to hell. There are people I love who are identify as something other than straight. I love them because they are my family, my people. I don't love them more or less because they are gay, lesbian, queer, or whatever. What they identify as doesn't matter to me. I also believe that medical marijuana is helpful in a lot of cases. Seizures. Cancer. Crohns. Glaucoma. Autism. Anyone with an end-stage, incurable, going to die anyway disease. Does that make me a bad Mormon? I don't think so. There are definitely people who are Mormon who are very strict and by the book in their observance of our shared f...

Ed Sheeran wrote the song about his grandmother who passed away while making his newest album. July is a hard month for me. My mom died July 4th. My dad got remarried a year later towards the end of July. Well, I guess the whole month isn't hard, but those two life changing events happened in July. Anyway, every time I listen to this song, I think of my mom. It makes me a little sad. Mostly because she's gone and all the memories I have of my mom are fading. There are tiny snippets of moments I shared with my mom that I hope will never fade. I probably should write them down in my journal... I look at the relationships my friends have with their mothers and I wonder what my relationship would be like with my mom if cancer didn't take her. If I wonder too much or too long, it hurts a little bit because I know it'll never come to fruition. I thank God, though, that my relationship with my mom ever existed at all and will continue after this life ends. And one of t...

It has been 18 years since you left this earth for a life without pain. A life without the hazy cloud of pain killers. A life where you are healthy. A life where cancer doesn't exist. I'm not going to lie; the past week has been hard. I've had a hard time trying to keep my emotions in check while at work. I had an assignment for my English class where we had to choose a personal experience that changed my life. You are part of my story and I cried at the memories that I had neatly stored away. I have these walls up to protect me from being hurt. There have been precious few people who have seen the walls completely down. I was ill equipped for life after you. Instead of asking for help, I built walls. Sometimes I wish I was more of a wear-your-emotions-on-your-sleeve kind of person, the kind of person who was a little less reserved. I don't wear my annoyance or are-you-kidding-me faces well...at all...like ever. You could always tell what I was feeling even though I ...

I had made a goal back in August to journal/blog more. Then school started. I took 5 credits and my classes were online so I thought I'd have ample time to devote to things that are important to me. Like leaving behind a written history of my time here on earth. Nope. Didn't happen. School completely and almost entirely consumed my time. For three and half months, I didn't really do anything. I mean, I did go to two baseball games with my friend Janae. I may have gone to a few movies with her, too. But really, since September, nearly all my time was spent on this damn laptop doing homework. There was SO much reading. I've been to college. I've had homework. Somehow, though, this was more than I've ever experienced in my college career. I'm happy that I get a break though and I'm looking forward to next semester, but I really hope that there isn't nearly as much reading.  Anyhow, I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska sitting in a hotel room while my fam...

I've been listening to Gretchen Rubin's podcast for the better part of the year. There was a little break mostly because my commute to work was cut down from an hour to 10 minutes. I swear I got more done during my waking hours when I was solely dependent on public transit than I do now with a vehicle at my disposal. I wonder why that is. Actually, I know why it is: I'm lazy and my job leaves me utterly drained - emotionally and physically - at the end of the day that the only thing that I want to do when I get home is get my socks and shoes off and not think. Anyway... Gretchen has written a book called "The Happiness Project". She took stock of her life and came to the conclusion that while she was happy with her life, she wasn't happy in the sense that she wasn't making conscience choices to do things that brought her happiness. She was simply floating through life making choices just because they were routine or they were kind of already halfway ma...

It has been 17 years since you've been gone. I think about you all the time. Especially when things are still and my mind has time to wander. I wonder what would be different if you were alive. I can't imagine anything really being the same if you were here to influence my decisions. Maybe I'd be a little more extroverted. Maybe I wouldn't crave alone time as much as I do. I am glad, though, that I like the quiet. I like the quiet because it gives me time to think about you. It gives me time to dream, time to think if I'm capable of achieving those dreams. Those dreams are often influenced by the thoughts I have of you. How much you'd love my happy place nestled in the mountains. How much you'd be happy that I finally know what I want to do with my life. My passion to help people, to help educate them about living a healthier life comes from you. I am me because of you. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure things out if you were here. Ma...