A Little ♥ and Soul

Dear Momma, How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near. In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here. It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cance...

Dear Mom, You've been gone 12 years now and I miss you just as much as I did when you left this earth to live with our Heavenly Father. Life has been hard since you've been gone, but I'm sure you know. Yesterday, on your anniversary, I went to lunch with Felisa and visited Stephen and his wife, Shauna in Salt Lake. Who would have thought that almost all us adult siblings would live within an hour's drive of each other? In Utah, no less. We didn't really talk about you, but I'm sure that we were all thinking of you. My heart ached for you a little bit more. I thought of you on Sunday, since it was the day of the week that you passed away. During the Sacrament, I thought of you and everything you taught me about the Gospel, about Jesus, about facing your fears, about forgiveness. When it came to the bearing of testimonies, I was already crying. Half due to allergies and half due to thinking of you and missing you. I was always the sensitive one. Dad's ex-wife ...

So I'm sitting in the semi darkness of dusk thinking about my mom. I can't believe its been 10 years since she passed away. 10 years...has it really been that long? I remember the last couple months of her life on earth like they were yesterday and it still hurts sometimes to be perfectly honest. I remember walking from my locker at school during lunch to find my friends and passed my guidance counselor on the way to our spot. She said, "Your mom called me because she was concerned about your grades. I'm so sorry that she's sick." All I could think of saying was, "Thanks" and walked away. One of the more popular girls in my class asked me in English the next day what Mrs. Hansen meant by what she said and I told her with tears welling my eyes that my mom was dying from cancer. I don't even remember the girls name but I was sent to the school psychologist that very same period. At the time my mom was still on chemo and radiation and I didn't a...