I'm listening to a sad, melancholy song right now. The past month has been hard. I moved to Ogden with a few goals in mind: 1. Find a job because traveling 45 minutes by car and 1.5 HOURS by train is ridiculous and expensive. 2. Get out of debt. 3. Go back to school. In the past month, I've gone to at least 1 interview a week; usually more, and nothing has come to fruition. Looking for jobs and applying for them is one thing, but getting a call for an interview, and doing a really good job at being a good interviewee only to not get a phone call back with a job offer is totally soul crushing. I've applied to jobs that I am way overqualified for. I've applied for jobs that I have all the right qualifications for and am competing with several other applicants for 1 or 2 positions. I've applied for jobs that I'm only slightly under-qualified for and I still haven't heard from 2 of the 3 positions.
I hate not having a job. I really do. The first day or two, after my last day at my most recent job, I cleaned the apartment, and generally got everything in my room settled. That was the first thing I could do for myself to not feel so untethered. The next few days after that are kind of blur. I literally don't remember what I did with myself. I know I applied for jobs, but come on, who applies for jobs for 8 hours straight? I don't know what I did between applying for jobs and looking at programs at Weber State and OWATC. What I do know is: I'm bugged by stupid little things. I'm lonely. I feel useless.
I'm stressed out about my finances. As in, if I don't find a job in the next week or two, I'm not going to have enough money to pay for bills that are set as automatic payments. When I get stressed out, all I want to do is either sleep in way too late or eat; neither of which are conducive to finding employment.
I'm really good at meeting outer expectations, but when it comes to making myself happy, I fall short. Not having a job makes me feel like I'm failing at life. I'm so used to taking care of myself without a lot of help from other people. When I broke my ankle almost three years ago - has it really been that long ago?? - it literally was the hardest 8 weeks of my life having to depend on other people for my livelihood. I was also very humbled at the same time because I had depend on my family. Letting other people take care of me is hard because I'm so used to putting as little stress on others as possible if I am capable of doing something myself. The white personality in me is hating that I'm in such emotional upheaval.
*Just a side note, if you want to find out more about yourself, go here and take the quiz. Seriously. take it! Like, right now!*
I hate that I feel like I can't let other people help me. These damn walls...I'm really good at keeping people at arms length. I've never thrown major tantrums. I've never gotten so mad that I've punched holes in walls. When I'm sad, or stressed out, I rarely talk it out with people I trust. I don't trust easily. Growing up in my family, I didn't need a lot. I feel like I was painfully aware of how much money we didn't have, so I didn't really ask for anything. My mom was so careful with the finances that I didn't feel like we had any less than the neighbors. I think that's where my need for independence comes in. I don't ask for much, but at the same time, my self-deprecation comes out and tells me I need even less. I have a hard time asking for things for Christmas or even for my birthday that I actually want. I often times will ask for the things that are on my wish list, things I could easily buy myself, for Christmas or my birthday because I usually undervalue myself on a daily basis.
I have this quote on one of my Pinterest boards that says, "I hope you know you're capable and brave and significant. Even when it feels like you're not." I don't know who said it, but it's exactly what I need right now. I have been feeling so insignificant and so incapable about life. And I haven't done brave thing in a long time. There comes a time in life that things have to change. Being stagnant or falling backwards into bad habits isn't okay to me. They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I haven't found someone to love, outside of my immediate family and their offspring. I want to find someone that I can be so incandescently happy with that my heart just skips a beat when they walk in to the room. I crave something to do. Like literally. I understand why stay at home mom's feel like something is lacking when their kids are a little less dependent on them. I have yet to find something to truly hope for. I mean, I hope that I can find a job. I hope to continue my education so I can find employment that doesn't feel like work. I hope for more opportunities to make my life better. I think that is the one true hope I have: opportunities to make my life better than it is. It sounds so generic, though. And I find that if you hope - or even pray - for those opportunities, God (or whoever you believe in) will absolutely give you those opportunities and they are rarely ever comfortable. I believe that God never loses sight of my eternal potential even when I do. And I often lose sight of my potential when I feel like I'm failing as a contributing-to-society adult and feeling altogether useless.
Growth is never ever comfortable for me and sometimes I just have to let go and see what happens. John Porter said, "People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing." Wise words. There is never a right time for growth and change. Especially when it's been a long time coming. My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned, and that's okay. Picking yourself up from the boot straps is something that I find difficult to do. Admitting that I need help from outside sources is even harder for to ask for. I have a saying written on one of my notebooks that says, "If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree." Change is possible. Change is not without its difficulties or growing pains. But it's worth it.
"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." Bill Cosby said that. I like the quote even though Bill is a bit controversial right now. Anyway, I'm feeling a little less gloomy now. Writing out my feelings has always helped me not feel so (insert emotion) and more like myself.
Now to go and do...
I hate not having a job. I really do. The first day or two, after my last day at my most recent job, I cleaned the apartment, and generally got everything in my room settled. That was the first thing I could do for myself to not feel so untethered. The next few days after that are kind of blur. I literally don't remember what I did with myself. I know I applied for jobs, but come on, who applies for jobs for 8 hours straight? I don't know what I did between applying for jobs and looking at programs at Weber State and OWATC. What I do know is: I'm bugged by stupid little things. I'm lonely. I feel useless.
I'm stressed out about my finances. As in, if I don't find a job in the next week or two, I'm not going to have enough money to pay for bills that are set as automatic payments. When I get stressed out, all I want to do is either sleep in way too late or eat; neither of which are conducive to finding employment.
I'm really good at meeting outer expectations, but when it comes to making myself happy, I fall short. Not having a job makes me feel like I'm failing at life. I'm so used to taking care of myself without a lot of help from other people. When I broke my ankle almost three years ago - has it really been that long ago?? - it literally was the hardest 8 weeks of my life having to depend on other people for my livelihood. I was also very humbled at the same time because I had depend on my family. Letting other people take care of me is hard because I'm so used to putting as little stress on others as possible if I am capable of doing something myself. The white personality in me is hating that I'm in such emotional upheaval.
*Just a side note, if you want to find out more about yourself, go here and take the quiz. Seriously. take it! Like, right now!*
I hate that I feel like I can't let other people help me. These damn walls...I'm really good at keeping people at arms length. I've never thrown major tantrums. I've never gotten so mad that I've punched holes in walls. When I'm sad, or stressed out, I rarely talk it out with people I trust. I don't trust easily. Growing up in my family, I didn't need a lot. I feel like I was painfully aware of how much money we didn't have, so I didn't really ask for anything. My mom was so careful with the finances that I didn't feel like we had any less than the neighbors. I think that's where my need for independence comes in. I don't ask for much, but at the same time, my self-deprecation comes out and tells me I need even less. I have a hard time asking for things for Christmas or even for my birthday that I actually want. I often times will ask for the things that are on my wish list, things I could easily buy myself, for Christmas or my birthday because I usually undervalue myself on a daily basis.
I have this quote on one of my Pinterest boards that says, "I hope you know you're capable and brave and significant. Even when it feels like you're not." I don't know who said it, but it's exactly what I need right now. I have been feeling so insignificant and so incapable about life. And I haven't done brave thing in a long time. There comes a time in life that things have to change. Being stagnant or falling backwards into bad habits isn't okay to me. They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I haven't found someone to love, outside of my immediate family and their offspring. I want to find someone that I can be so incandescently happy with that my heart just skips a beat when they walk in to the room. I crave something to do. Like literally. I understand why stay at home mom's feel like something is lacking when their kids are a little less dependent on them. I have yet to find something to truly hope for. I mean, I hope that I can find a job. I hope to continue my education so I can find employment that doesn't feel like work. I hope for more opportunities to make my life better. I think that is the one true hope I have: opportunities to make my life better than it is. It sounds so generic, though. And I find that if you hope - or even pray - for those opportunities, God (or whoever you believe in) will absolutely give you those opportunities and they are rarely ever comfortable. I believe that God never loses sight of my eternal potential even when I do. And I often lose sight of my potential when I feel like I'm failing as a contributing-to-society adult and feeling altogether useless.
Growth is never ever comfortable for me and sometimes I just have to let go and see what happens. John Porter said, "People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing." Wise words. There is never a right time for growth and change. Especially when it's been a long time coming. My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned, and that's okay. Picking yourself up from the boot straps is something that I find difficult to do. Admitting that I need help from outside sources is even harder for to ask for. I have a saying written on one of my notebooks that says, "If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree." Change is possible. Change is not without its difficulties or growing pains. But it's worth it.
"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." Bill Cosby said that. I like the quote even though Bill is a bit controversial right now. Anyway, I'm feeling a little less gloomy now. Writing out my feelings has always helped me not feel so (insert emotion) and more like myself.
Now to go and do...
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