I was reading this article in the NY Times while procrastinating finishing the schedule for my employees (whoa...that makes me feel old...I have employees...weird), and it really hit home. The article dives into the weird stage in your 30s where it's hard to make actual friends rather than situational friends.
You know, the let's-grab-dinner, our-kids-are-the-same-age-so-lets-go-to-the-park-so-I-have-a-reason-to-not-slide-the-slide-for-the-millionth-time, game-night, Netflix-marathon-ing kind of friends. The people where we could call maybe once a month to do whatever activity it is that you share interest in and do it together so you don't feel lonely. I mean, yeah, you have your people (like Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang's relationship) who would do anything for you, but you know, people get married, they move away and it's hard to actually get together because life is pulling you in a million different ways. You finally find yourself in your, "omg...when did I become an adult" phase. But your people will always be your people.
So you find some situational friends. The people to kind of fill your time with because not having friends is just lonely. You go to an occasional dinner, fill your time with some fluff conversation and then go home. You don't necessarily feel fulfilled by the relationship, but it's better than sitting at home...by yourself....again. Suddenly, having adult friends is harder than you thought it'd be. Mostly, because life isn't like a 22 minute sitcom. What you thought you'd have as far as friendships/relationships go - something possibly resembling Friends or Seinfeld - just isn't reality. I guess it could be, but let's just face it, the possibility of that happening is pretty minuscule.
I struggle with this. Like a lot. Not only do I have the complete opposite work/sleep schedule of anyone I know, but throw on top of that wonky schedule my introvert tendencies and my aversion to people who try too hard to be something they aren't. I see people who are around my age who have a LOT of friends. But then I think, how can just one person have some many friends and actually like them?? Then I think, are most of them situational friends? Are they more acquaintance than friend? I think my problem is that I know a lot of people, but none of them are really friends.
In my 33 years of life, I have crossed a lot of people in my life. Most of the people that I'm friends with on Facebook, are people from my high school days or went to church with until I moved to Utah. I moved to Utah and made A LOT of situational friends. That's all I had the first year I lived in Utah mostly because I threw myself into a totally unknown situation. After I started working and moved to a different town, I made a few more friends. They were still mostly situational, but I saw them at least twice a week to go do stuff. I feel like I hadn't made any deep connections with people.
I think that the first half of my 20s, I was still trying to figure out how to trust people. The problem with letting people in and trusting them is that they almost inevitably disappoint you. Once I trust you, I am loyal. Almost to a fault. When I F I N A L L Y found a bosom buddy here in Utah, I was so happy to have someone to randomly call or text. When I think about this friendship I had with this person, it makes me sad. We were roommates at one time and when we weren't, we still talked almost every single day until we just didn't. It's so hard to going from that to trying to figure out how to communicate with them while they figure out how to deal with deep soul breaking depression. It's even harder trying to figure out how to deal with all of that while they live on the other side of the country and don't have regular access to a phone.
Anyway, my point is that after that friendship fizzled and burned to the ground, I found it even harder to open up and trust people. The way to my heart - or lasting friendship with me - is spending quality time. It really doesn't matter when or where, as long as you put in the time, we're golden. Well, I guess it does depend a little bit on the frequency of the when, but I like to think of myself as a low maintenance kind of gal.
Well, that turned out way longer than I anticipated. But it has occurred to me that I need to work on fostering lasting friendships rather than situational friendships. Situational friendships have their time and place, but what I really need in my life right now is an emotionally stable friend who is willing to spend time with me. Maybe two of them. But that's really my limit. :)
You know, the let's-grab-dinner, our-kids-are-the-same-age-so-lets-go-to-the-park-so-I-have-a-reason-to-not-slide-the-slide-for-the-millionth-time, game-night, Netflix-marathon-ing kind of friends. The people where we could call maybe once a month to do whatever activity it is that you share interest in and do it together so you don't feel lonely. I mean, yeah, you have your people (like Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang's relationship) who would do anything for you, but you know, people get married, they move away and it's hard to actually get together because life is pulling you in a million different ways. You finally find yourself in your, "omg...when did I become an adult" phase. But your people will always be your people.
So you find some situational friends. The people to kind of fill your time with because not having friends is just lonely. You go to an occasional dinner, fill your time with some fluff conversation and then go home. You don't necessarily feel fulfilled by the relationship, but it's better than sitting at home...by yourself....again. Suddenly, having adult friends is harder than you thought it'd be. Mostly, because life isn't like a 22 minute sitcom. What you thought you'd have as far as friendships/relationships go - something possibly resembling Friends or Seinfeld - just isn't reality. I guess it could be, but let's just face it, the possibility of that happening is pretty minuscule.
I struggle with this. Like a lot. Not only do I have the complete opposite work/sleep schedule of anyone I know, but throw on top of that wonky schedule my introvert tendencies and my aversion to people who try too hard to be something they aren't. I see people who are around my age who have a LOT of friends. But then I think, how can just one person have some many friends and actually like them?? Then I think, are most of them situational friends? Are they more acquaintance than friend? I think my problem is that I know a lot of people, but none of them are really friends.
In my 33 years of life, I have crossed a lot of people in my life. Most of the people that I'm friends with on Facebook, are people from my high school days or went to church with until I moved to Utah. I moved to Utah and made A LOT of situational friends. That's all I had the first year I lived in Utah mostly because I threw myself into a totally unknown situation. After I started working and moved to a different town, I made a few more friends. They were still mostly situational, but I saw them at least twice a week to go do stuff. I feel like I hadn't made any deep connections with people.
I think that the first half of my 20s, I was still trying to figure out how to trust people. The problem with letting people in and trusting them is that they almost inevitably disappoint you. Once I trust you, I am loyal. Almost to a fault. When I F I N A L L Y found a bosom buddy here in Utah, I was so happy to have someone to randomly call or text. When I think about this friendship I had with this person, it makes me sad. We were roommates at one time and when we weren't, we still talked almost every single day until we just didn't. It's so hard to going from that to trying to figure out how to communicate with them while they figure out how to deal with deep soul breaking depression. It's even harder trying to figure out how to deal with all of that while they live on the other side of the country and don't have regular access to a phone.
Anyway, my point is that after that friendship fizzled and burned to the ground, I found it even harder to open up and trust people. The way to my heart - or lasting friendship with me - is spending quality time. It really doesn't matter when or where, as long as you put in the time, we're golden. Well, I guess it does depend a little bit on the frequency of the when, but I like to think of myself as a low maintenance kind of gal.
Well, that turned out way longer than I anticipated. But it has occurred to me that I need to work on fostering lasting friendships rather than situational friendships. Situational friendships have their time and place, but what I really need in my life right now is an emotionally stable friend who is willing to spend time with me. Maybe two of them. But that's really my limit. :)
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